Gut Shot: 2012

Sunday, May 20, 2012

1985. Chinese Stars.

In 1985 there were still UHF tv stations that flew under the censor's radar. I think a few of them evolved into Fox and the WB while the rest just faded out. Channel 39 was the best. They showed Benny Hill and sweet action movies late at night. We had cable tv but only in the living room. I had a janky little black and white tv in my room with knobs. Channel 39 was the best because of Kung fu theater. Kung fu theater came on every Saturday afternoon. I played football every season of my life so I missed a lot of Saturday morning cartoons but Kung fu theater was always there. They showed the entire Bruce Lee catalog and all sorts of Shaolin imports. This ultimately prepared me to be a member of the Wu Tang Clan if I so chose. I loved any movie they would play involving kicking and swords, but my favorite jam was ninjas. I was obsessed with Sho Kosugi and all of the ninja themed movies he starred in. I'd taken karate for several years but that shit was boring in comparison. It was all katas and bowing and kicking people's hands. Never once did I get to shoot someone in the neck with a blowgun. And gi's were all white and barefoot, but ninjas dressed in black and had split toe boots. So I obviously wanted to be a ninja. There was no online shopping in 1985 so ninja supplies were hard to find and our parents were not going to buy them for us. Martial arts studios and shady Asian convenience stores were the only source and most would not sell a minor a butterfly knife. Behold the magic of the Chinese throwing star. They were considered ornamental so a ten year old could buy a razor sharp aerodynamic weapon. We would we're our stars like heels, terrorizing the neighborhood on our sweet bmx's. And if some little bitch tried to step to us, we'd pull out our Chinese stars. It was as close as I've ever gotten to pulling out a gun to handle a dispute. This kid I used to hang out with named Gibby had nunchucks. Gibby was badass.

1983. Mongoose.

My first proper bike. I'd had other kid's bicycles but this was my first real bmx bike. It was so sweet. Huffy's and Schwinn's were for pussies. If you were a badass you rode a GT, Diamondback, or a Mongoose. I rode a Mongoose because i really loved Riki Tiki Tavi and he was a Mongoose. I may have been a badass but i was only eight. I saved money from chores and odd jobs to buy it. Not sure how much it cost but I think it was almost two hundred dollars. I rode that bike everywhere and jumped it off anything with an incline. Usually I crashed as many jumps as I landed but that bike was tough. One night my dad went to go buy beer and I left my bike behind his car and he ran over it. He was pissed and kicked me in the ass really hard while I was watching the Fall Guy. But the Mongoose was car proof. I got hit by a car and crashed into two parked cars also so that's a total of four times the Mongoose beat an automobile. This kid named Chris stole my bike but his parents made him bring it back to our house. I punched him in the face in front of both of our parents. No punishment was given to me. I learned two lessons from that. Sometimes people deserved to be punched in the face, and kids don't lock their bikes up so you can steal them and fence them to older Vietnamese kids for some quick cash.

1982. Breezy.

The first girl I ever loved. She wasn't real but she was the first girl I can remember being attracted to. Breezy was the older sister of Brewster Baker's rag tag pit crew in Six Pack starring Kenny Rogers. I don't think second graders have sexual feelings but I know I wanted to marry Diane Lane and kiss her a lot. I renamed my Princess Leia action figure Breezy and she got to ride shotgun with Boba Fett in the General Lee. I was Boba Fett obviously. I wasn't into dating real girls yet, mainly because the second grade trim at Mahany Elementary School was not Diane Lane caliber. Soon Breezy would turn into Cherry Valance after I saw The Outsiders. This inspired me as a young whiskey tango boy, but Pony Boy didn't exactly get the girl. I'm not sure how I got to see Rumble Fish, but Breezy Cherry Valance in her underwear stirred up some new feelings. Streets of Fire and the Cotton Club went topless, all leading up to two hours of naked Breezy in 2002. I'm glad Unfaithful didn't come out in 1982.

1981. Bullwhip.

In 1981 I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark seventeen times. This began my memories of parenting through television and film. Indiana Jones replaced Boba Fett as my hero. He was probably a better role model and at five years old I thought Han Solo played Indiana Jones and not an actor so that made him double awesome. So through my latest obsession I received a bullwhip for a birthday present from my dad. A real leather bullwhip was an amazing and responsible gift to give to a five year old. This must have started my trend of playing with real weapons as a child instead of toys. My friend's parents loved that. For Halloween that year I was Indy. I had a fedora, leather coat, penciled on five o'clock shadow, and of course a fully functional bullwhip. A bullwhip which was immediately taken away from me at school. I remember trying to swing over a bayou by attaching my bullwhip to a tree branch. The results were wet. I never got good at whipping things, probably because the bullwhip was much longer than me shorty. I just decided to master the whip. Where can I buy a bullwhip on a Sunday in Denver?
MTV gets an honorable mention because i watched the hell out of it during year one but ultimately gets its own year in the future.

1980. Boba Fett.

The Empire Strikes Back came out in 1980. I saw Star Wars in the theater, but it must have not been in 1975 when I was zero years old and I only recall it vaguely. Empire Strikes Back I remember vividly. I wanted to ride to kindergarten in an AT-AT, learn the alphabet from Yoda, ride home in the Millennium Falcon to my room in the Bespin Cloud city where Princess Leia tucked me into a Taun Taun. I was five and Return of the Jedi had not come out yet so Leia was still a maternal figure and not yet a sexy metal bikini clad Jabba slave in my mind. I loved all things Star Wars but thought Luke Skywalker was a pussy. I liked Boba Fett. He was my first role model(Earl Campbell/debatable). I was obsessed with him that year, and to some extent still am. I'm not sure why I was so into a bit character with maybe three lines whose sole purpose was capturing my previous favorite character. Maybe it was because he was a lone wolf badass who didn't take sides. He didn't care about the Empire or the Rebel alliance and he didn't use magic. And he had a fucking jet pack! I didn't develop into some rouge bounty hunter who only cares about getting paid but I sure liked that guy. I still have my Boba Fett action figure and have a shitty Boba Fett tattoo on my right shoulder. I won't elaborate on the future of Boba Fett. Patton Oswalt already nailed it.

1979. Clyde.

I was obsessed with Clyde. He was a stuffed monkey puppet. Clyde was wearable. Clyde was also my first memory of Velcro. Velcro will not make this list but gets a shout out. I could make Clyde talk. I don't remember what he'd say. Clyde smelled like smoke (see 1978). Clyde was the Hobbes to my Calvin. I threw Clyde away in 1996 because a cat named Crybaby Walker peed on him. I should have just put Clyde in the wash. Welp.

1978. Cigarettes.

I didn't start smoking when I was three. But everyone smoked in the seventies. They smoked indoors, they smoked in public, they smoked in cars filled with children. Not healthy but the pussification of America had not come into full force. My grandma would push me on a kiddie bike while chain smoking and I didn't have to wear a helmet. She smoked Mores. They were longer than 100's and brown. I was fascinated by them. I liked the smell of smoke. It still reminds me of spaghetti.

1977. The Electric Company.

This was my jam. I couldn't wait for Sesame Street to be over and the Electric Company to start. I liked the silhouettes that talked to each other. I IMDB'd the Electric Company and found out that Morgan Freeman played Count Dracula/Easy Reader/Mad Scientist/Marcello/Mark/Mel Mounds/The Cop on 780 episodes. Perhaps that's why I find his voice so pleasant. Or it could be that he just has a really great voice.

1976. Water

I was a water baby. Somehow I remember that. Like I remember swimming frantically to my mother underwater. That's really all I can remember from being a baby. Maybe that was 1975 but the milk seemed more obvious. I dunno I don't have children. This picture isn't me. Nevermind came out in 1991 and I'm not a time traveller. This album will come back up though. Probably in 1991.

1975. Milk

Duh. It's clearly all you care about during year one. I was born on the day that US forces evacuated Saigon. It was of no concern to me on my name day. I was to be named after Eric Clapton and my godfather, John. I'm not catholic nor is anyone in my family. Not sure why I have a godfather. What do Eric Clapton and coffee have in common?

Retrospective

I was cooking lunch yesterday and I got this ticket. For some reason it really disappointed me. I thought about this horrible person and their need for control and personalization. The honey mustard sub and 86'ing of bacon made me decide this person was female, sorry if thats sexist. This is my blog. I wondered how they treated their family and peers. I picture her removing hats and throwing away new magazines with no regard for their input. I wondered what she got excited about. Then I started thinking about what I get excited about. But in my head it was what I get excited "aboot" because at that point my narrator was Canadian. There were many things I could pinpoint as being the coolest fucking thing in existence from specific years of my childhood. Then I started thinking about how nothing is as interesting or exciting as those things were now. And that brought me down so I took it out on a prep cook who froze fresh chicken breasts for no logical reason. This conversation with myself lead me to attempt to chronicle the coolest thing in the world by year for every year I've lived. Many of my memories involve movies because that what I remember better than real life? Years of substance abuse comes into play. I've also left out real people because I don't really care for people and the humans i like are a given.